Forums Preference vs. FetishizationWhen is saying “I only date X” a red flag?

When is saying “I only date X” a red flag?

18 posts

I’m a single dad in Chicago, and I’ve been back on dating apps for about six months after a long marriage. I’m Latino, and I’ve been seeing a few women outside my race, which is new for me. One woman I went out with last month told me straight up that she “only dates Black and Latino men” because White guys are boring. I tried not to take it personally, but the way she said it felt like she had a type and a stereotype at the same time. Then I met someone else on Bumble who said she’d “always wanted to date a Dominican man” and kept joking about how my ex “must’ve been crazy.” We had dinner near River North and it was honestly fun at first, but then she started asking if I was more “street” or “family oriented,” like those were the only two options. I’ve also had women ask if I have a big family, if I’m jealous, if I know how to dance, stuff like that. Some of it feels harmless, some of it feels loaded. I’m trying to figure out if I’m being too sensitive because I know people have preferences. I also don’t wanna jump to calling everything fetishization just because someone has a type. For folks who date interracially, what are the actual signs that it’s just preference vs. somebody projecting a fantasy on you?

Mar 22

120

3 replies

Chris Tanaka

#1 · Mar 22

That “only date X” line can be a red flag depending on how it’s said. If somebody just has a pattern, okay, people do. But when it comes with stereotypes like “you’re all family oriented” or “Latinos are more passionate,” that’s where it gets iffy. I think the big difference is whether they’re interested in you as a full person. If they ask about your job, your kid, your music, your actual opinions, that’s a good sign. If they mostly want to talk about what race you are, not so much.

David Okafor

#2 · Mar 23

I’ve been with my wife 11 years, she’s Asian and I’m Black, and I can tell you the worst dates I had before her were always the ones where I felt like I was auditioning for somebody’s fantasy. They’d say things like “I’ve never been with a Black man before” in this weird excited voice, like I was a bucket-list item. A preference becomes a problem when it’s built on assumptions. “I usually date Latino men” is not the same as “I know exactly what kind of man you are because you’re Dominican.” One is attraction, the other is lazy and kinda disrespectful.

Chris Tanaka

#3 · Mar 23

As a Black woman who has dated across race in Philly and now in my 40s, I think some people honestly don’t know how to talk about attraction without sounding clumsy. But there’s a difference between awkward and dehumanizing. If they’re reducing you to “street,” “exotic,” “spicy,” “big family,” or whatever, that’s not cute. Healthy dating feels curious, not like they came with a script already written for you.