Forums Mixed Race Families & ParentingTrying to figure out hair days + identity stuff with my 6yo

Trying to figure out hair days + identity stuff with my 6yo

11 posts

I’m in Atlanta, my husband is from Jamaica, and I’m white/Irish-American, so our daughter gets read as a little bit of everything depending on who’s looking. Lately she’s been asking way more questions about her hair and skin, which is honestly good, but I feel a little out of my depth. Her curls changed a lot over the past year and some mornings are just a battle. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube vids and I’m in a couple Facebook groups, but it still feels like I’m guessing half the time. What’s throwing me too is the identity stuff. At school she told me one kid said she was “not really Black” because her skin is lighter, and that hurt her feelings. I tried to keep it simple and affirming, but I’m wondering how other parents handle these conversations without making it weird or overly heavy. Any books, routines, or even just little things that helped your mixed kid feel confident?

Mar 11

2 replies

David Okafor

#1 · Mar 11

We had a similar thing with my son, and honestly the hair routine helped more than I expected because it turned into a bonding thing instead of a struggle. My wife is Haitian and I’m Mexican-American, and we do wash day on Sundays with music on, snacks, the whole thing. It sounds goofy but it gave him a sense that his hair isn’t a problem to fix, it’s just part of him. For the kid comments, our pediatrician actually suggested simple lines he can use, like “I’m Black and Puerto Rican” or “I’m mixed, both are true.” It took a few tries, but hearing him say it confidently made a big difference. We also got a couple picture books from the Decatur library about mixed families and curly hair, which helped because he saw himself in the stories.

DeAndre W.

#2 · Mar 12

I’d say don’t underestimate finding a local stylist who knows mixed hair. I’m in Charlotte and after two bad salon experiences, I found a Black-owned place near South End through Instagram and it was a game changer. The stylist showed me how to detangle without turning it into a fight and explained why her curls do better with less product than I was using. On the identity side, I think it’s okay to say to her that people don’t always understand, but that doesn’t make their opinion true. My daughter is 8 and gets comments too, especially from kids who think being biracial means she has to “pick.” We’ve practiced answers in the car, like little role play stuff, and that seems to help her not freeze up at school.