Forums LGBTQ+ InterracialNew to dating women and wondering if I’m overthinking race stuff on the apps

New to dating women and wondering if I’m overthinking race stuff on the apps

16 posts

I’m a Black trans woman in Chicago and I’ve been trying to date more seriously the past few months. I was on Her and Tinder, and I keep running into this weird thing where I can’t tell if I’m being too cautious or if my instincts are picking up on something real. A lot of the women I match with are white, and some are cool, but sometimes I get this feeling like they’re into me because I’m “different” and not because they actually see me. Last week I went on a date with this woman from Evanston. She was sweet enough, we had good conversation, but she kept making these comments about how she “never dated a Black girl before” and how I was “so articulate,” which made me wanna disappear into my drink. I didn’t know if I should educate her, laugh it off, or just leave. I ended up cutting the date short and she texted me later like she wanted to go out again. I’m trying not to assume the worst every time, because I do want to find somebody. But dating as a Black trans woman already feels like everybody’s got an opinion about you before you even say hello. How do y’all tell the difference between someone being genuinely interested and someone treating you like a trend? And for those of you in interracial queer relationships, what helped you trust the good ones without ignoring red flags?

3d ago

171

3 replies

David Okafor

#1 · 3d ago

I’m a Black gay man in New Orleans, and I think your instincts are probably better than you’re giving yourself credit for. When something feels off, it usually is. Not always malicious, but still off. I met my boyfriend on Bumble and he’s white, and one thing that made me trust him was that he asked questions without making me explain my whole existence. He didn’t make my race or identity the whole conversation. If the Evanston woman is still texting, you can always see whether she’s willing to learn and not get defensive. But honestly, you don’t have to stay available just to give somebody a chance to prove themselves.

Sarah M.BASIC

#2 · 2d ago

As a Latina trans woman in LA, I get this completely. That “so articulate” comment is NOT a compliment, it’s a stereotype in a fancy coat. You were right to clock that and protect your peace. Honestly, if the first date already has weird racial curiosity mixed with praise, that usually doesn’t get better unless the person is very self-aware and willing to learn fast. What helped me was asking more direct questions early on. Like, “What made you swipe right?” or “What are you actually looking for?” It can feel awkward, but it saves time. The right person won’t make you feel like you’re being too much for asking for clarity.

Jasmine K.

#3 · 2d ago

I’m a white nonbinary person and I’ve dated Black women and Asian women, and I’ll be real: a lot of people think they’re being flattering when they’re actually being gross. The difference is usually whether they’re curious about you as a person or fascinated by your identity like it’s a novelty. If somebody says stuff like “I’ve never dated a Black girl before” on a first date, that’s already a yellow flag at minimum. You don’t owe anyone extra labor just because they’re new to dating across race or gender identity. The good ones will show consistency, respect, and actual listening. Not just vibes.