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My girlfriend thinks she might be into alt stuff but I don’t wanna push it

4 posts

So me and my girlfriend have been together about 3 years, and lately she’s been opening up a lot more about fantasies and what she finds hot. We live in Philly and it came up after we were joking around about couples we saw on Feeld and how some of those bios are either super confident or totally cringe. She said she’s curious about alternative relationship styles and maybe watching me with another guy someday, but she also said she doesn’t know if she’d actually want to go there or if it’s just a fantasy. I’m interested too, but I really don’t want her to feel pressured just because I’m leaning into the idea more than she is. We’ve talked a little about race being part of the attraction too, since that’s definitely in the mix for both of us, but I’m trying to keep it grounded and not make it some big dramatic thing. How do you keep these conversations open without accidentally steering them into something your partner only agrees to because they want to make you happy?

Apr 1

2 replies

Marcus D.BASIC

#1 · Apr 1

I think the fact that you’re worried about pressuring her is a good sign, honestly. A lot of people don’t even check themselves on that part. My husband and I are in Baltimore and we’ve had a lot of these talks, and what worked best was separating fantasy talk from actual plans. We could talk about what turned us on, what scenarios we imagined, and what details mattered, without treating it like a commitment. That gave us room to see what stuck over time instead of making one conversation do all the work. If she says she’s unsure, I’d keep it at the talking stage for a while and let her bring it up again if it stays on her mind. No deadlines, no “so are we doing this or not” energy.

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#2 · Apr 3

My advice would be to keep checking in and make it easy for her to change her mind without it becoming a big deal. I’ve seen couples in New Orleans get into trouble because one person thought “curious” meant “ready,” and that’s how resentment starts. If she likes talking about it but doesn’t want action, that’s still valid and worth respecting. Also, it can help to make the conversation less about a specific outcome and more about comfort levels. Like, what parts are exciting, what parts are scary, what parts are hard no’s. That way it stays about her experience too, not just yours. If it ever does move forward, you’ll both already have the habit of saying the uncomfortable thing out loud.