Forums African Diaspora Interracial DatingMy British boyfriend is great but he keeps missing the African side of me

My British boyfriend is great but he keeps missing the African side of me

VIPADMIN

11 posts

I’m Somali and grew up between London and Nairobi, and I’ve been with my boyfriend for about a year now. He’s English, from Manchester, and he’s honestly kind and respectful, but sometimes I feel like he only sees the “London me” and not the rest of me. Like he loves going to Somali restaurants with me in East London, and he’ll eat sambusas like they’re nothing, but when it comes to family things or talking about marriage, he gets quiet and changes the subject. My older sister says I’m making excuses for him, but I keep thinking maybe he’s just shy or not used to how fast serious talks happen in my community. We had a weird conversation after Eid because I asked if he’d ever want to meet my mom, and he said yes, but then later told me he feels nervous because he doesn’t know what to say to Somali parents and doesn’t want to look ignorant. I get that, but at the same time, I don’t want to keep translating myself forever. Has anyone been with someone who was lovely day to day but kind of froze when the relationship started touching culture, family, or long-term stuff? I’m trying to tell the difference between normal nerves and real avoidance.

Mar 19

2 replies

Ben O'ConnorPREMIUM

#1 · Mar 19

This sounds familiar. I’m Ethiopian and my ex was Scottish, and he was amazing in private but always weird around anything that felt “traditional.” At first I thought being patient would fix it, but eventually I realized he liked me as an individual more than he liked the reality of my life. That’s a big difference. If he’s nervous, that’s fine. But if he keeps dodging the important stuff after a year, that’s not just nerves anymore. You shouldn’t have to keep being the bridge between him and your whole background. If he really wants this, he’ll start learning, not just saying he’s scared.

David Okafor

#2 · Mar 19

I’m from the Caribbean but married to a Ugandan guy, and I had to learn that culture stuff is where relationships either deepen or get stuck. My husband was actually the one who pushed to meet my parents first because he knew avoiding it would make things worse later. He was nervous too, but he showed up, asked questions, and didn’t act like it was all too complicated. You might want to have one really direct talk with your boyfriend. Not in an accusing way, just ask him what exactly he’s afraid of. Is it language, religion, expectations, money, marriage timelines? Sometimes people freeze because they don’t want to admit they feel out of place. But if he cares, he needs to move from nervous to engaged. Otherwise you’ll end up doing all the emotional work, and that gets exhausting fast.