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My boyfriend’s mom keeps asking if I’m “serious” about him… how do I handle this?

Marcus D.

BASIC

10 posts

Marcus D.BASIC

So I’ve been dating my boyfriend Marcus for about 8 months now. We met on Hinge in Chicago and honestly it’s been really good overall, but his mom has been kind of cold toward me since the beginning. I’m Black, he’s Latino, and his family is very traditional Puerto Rican. At first I thought she was just shy, but now I’m starting to feel like she keeps testing me without saying it directly. Last weekend we went to his aunt’s birthday in Pilsen and she asked me twice if I “really see a future” with him, like in front of everybody. Then later she told Marcus in Spanish that he needs someone who will “fit into the family,” which I heard because I understand a little. I left feeling embarrassed and honestly pretty hurt. I don’t want to make him choose between me and his family, but I also don’t want to keep smiling through little comments like that. Marcus says I should give it time and that his mom will come around once she sees I’m serious. I’m trying, but it’s hard when every family thing feels like a performance. Has anyone dealt with this? Do you talk to the parent directly, or let your partner handle it?

Mar 17

108

3 replies

Jordan B.BASIC

#1 · Mar 17

I’m gonna be the odd one out and say sometimes older parents are just clumsy with how they express anxiety. Not saying it’s okay, but in my experience, especially with immigrant families, they can be super protective and say things that come out harsher than intended. Maybe try one calm conversation with Marcus about boundaries before the next family event. Like, what exactly will he say if his mom brings up your future again? Having a plan helps. If he freezes every time, that’s the real issue.

Brittany S.BASIC

#2 · Mar 17

Girl, I feel this. My husband’s aunt used to do the same thing to me when we were dating, and I’d leave every dinner feeling like I ran a marathon. What helped was my husband stepping in more clearly and not just saying “she’ll warm up eventually.” He had to tell his mom, in no uncertain terms, that I wasn’t a temporary thing and disrespect wasn’t gonna be part of the relationship. I wouldn’t rush to confront her alone yet if your man isn’t fully backing you. Let him take the lead first and see if he can shut those comments down in the moment. You shouldn’t have to audition to be treated like a human being.

Jasmine K.

#3 · Mar 18

Honestly, I’d be careful about over-explaining yourself to her. Some family members use “getting to know you” as a way to keep you on edge. I’m Mexican-American and my dad was like that with my sister-in-law for months because she’s White and he had a whole idea in his head about who would “understand” our family. It wasn’t really about her, it was about his own weird expectations. If Marcus is serious, he needs to have your back in real time. Even a simple “Mom, that’s not fair” would change a lot. You deserve to feel welcomed, not evaluated.