Is it a preference or am I getting fetish vibes?
So I’ve been talking to this guy I matched with on Hinge here in Atlanta, and I can’t tell if I’m being paranoid or if something is off. I’m Black and he’s White, and from the first few messages he was like, “I’ve always had a thing for Black women” and “you girls are just different.” At first I brushed it off because, okay, maybe he’s just being upfront. But then he kept making comments about my hair, my skin, my curves, like every message had to mention my race somehow.
We went out for drinks last weekend and he was nice enough in person, but he kept asking weird stuff like if I’ve ever dated a White guy before, if my family would “approve,” and if I’m into “role reversal” because he’s “not like other White dudes.” That phrase alone made me cringe. I left feeling kinda gross, and now he’s texting me asking when I can come over for dinner and says he wants to “cook soul food right.” I don’t know, it feels less like attraction and more like he’s dating a category.
Has anybody else dealt with this? I don’t mind someone having a preference, obviously, but where’s the line between preference and fetishization? I’m trying not to be too sensitive, but my gut is saying run.
Mar 26
109
3 repliesL
Lisa NakamuraPREMIUMNah, your gut is probably right. The second somebody starts talking about you like a checklist of traits instead of a whole person, it gets weird fast. Saying he’s always had a thing for Black women is one thing, but the constant comments and the “you girls” stuff would’ve had me out too.
I’d trust how you felt after the date. If you felt gross, that matters. A respectful guy can be attracted to Black women without making your race the whole personality of the conversation.
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Tyler R.I’m a White woman married to a Black man, and I can say from the other side that healthy attraction sounds a lot more normal and a lot less performative. My husband didn’t lead with my race when we met, and I didn’t lead with his either. We talked like people.
Honestly, if he’s bringing up your race in every convo and getting weirdly specific about stereotypes, that’s not preference. Preference is quiet and respectful. Fetishization is loud.
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James T.Girl, the “soul food right” comment would’ve sent me straight to the block button. I’m in Houston and dated a guy like this a few years ago. He kept acting like dating me was some kind of experience he was collecting. Never once asked about my actual life, just my hair routine, my exes, and if I liked “urban music.”
There’s a huge difference between being open to interracial dating and treating someone like a fantasy. If he’s making you feel reduced, that’s enough of a red flag for me.
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