Forums Mental Health & Relationship WellnessFeeling weirdly anxious about dating my boyfriend and i can’t tell if it’s just me

Feeling weirdly anxious about dating my boyfriend and i can’t tell if it’s just me

Ben O'Connor

PREMIUM

12 posts

Ben O'ConnorPREMIUM

I’ve been seeing this guy for about 8 months now and it’s been really good overall, but lately I’ve been having these random anxiety spikes after we hang out. We’re interracial and most of the time I feel fine, but sometimes I leave his place and start overthinking everything I said, how I looked, whether his family likes me, all of it. I live in Chicago and he’s in Evanston, so there’s also that whole thing where I’m already tired from work and then I’m emotionally drained on top of it. I think part of it is that I’ve had a few not-great experiences before where people made comments about my race or acted like I was some “different” kind of girlfriend, and I’m scared I’m carrying that into this relationship. I use BetterHelp and it’s been okay, but I’m not sure if I need a therapist who actually gets interracial relationship stuff specifically. Has anyone dealt with this kind of low-key anxiety and found anything that helped? Or am I just overthinking normal relationship nerves?

Mar 11

157

2 replies

Sarah M.BASIC

#1 · Mar 11

I went through something similar and for me it was partly imposter syndrome. Like I’d catch myself thinking, “Why am I here? Do I even fit into this space?” even though my partner never made me feel that way. The weird part is that it showed up most when everything was actually going well, because then my brain had room to spiral. A practical thing that helped was having a tiny post-date routine. I’d take a shower, put my phone away for 30 minutes, and write down 3 facts instead of feelings, like “he texted me when I got home,” “his sister asked me about my job,” stuff like that. It kind of pulled me out of the panic loop. If you can, try tracking when the anxiety hits — is it after family time, social media, certain comments, being tired? Patterns make it less mysterious.

Tasha Williams

#2 · Mar 11

You’re not crazy, and it doesn’t sound like “just normal nerves” to me. The racial stuff can sit in your body even when the current relationship is good. I dated a white guy for 3 years and I used to do the same thing after family dinners, replaying every sentence in my head like I was being graded. What helped me most was naming it out loud with him, not in a dramatic way, just like, “Sometimes I get anxious because I’ve had bad experiences before and I need a little reassurance.” Also, if BetterHelp isn’t really hitting the mark, I’d look for someone who lists multiracial couples, racial trauma, or identity work in their profile. I found my therapist on Psychology Today and filtered by “relationship issues” + “anxiety,” then emailed 4 people until one felt normal and not weird about it. That made a huge difference.