Forums Open Relationships & Partner AgreementsFeeld date went fine but now I’m feeling guilty telling my wife the details

Feeld date went fine but now I’m feeling guilty telling my wife the details

Jasmine K.

11 posts

Jasmine K.

I’m a 41-year-old guy in Chicago, mixed race, married to my wife for 11 years, and we opened up last year after a long slow conversation that started way before we ever actually said the word open. We’ve got a pretty good thing going, but I’m realizing I’m bad at the disclosure part. I went on a date with someone I met on Feeld near Logan Square, totally normal dinner, good conversation, nothing wild, and then when I got home my wife asked how it went. I gave her the short version, but I could tell she wanted more and I just didn’t know how much detail was helpful versus hurtful. We’ve always said we don’t want to turn each other into report writers, which I appreciate, but I also don’t want her to feel like I’m hiding stuff. The weird part is I think I’m more uncomfortable being the one sharing than I am hearing about her dates. Maybe because I’m scared of saying the wrong thing and making her compare herself to someone else? Has anybody found a good middle ground for how much to share without oversharing?

Mar 18

2 replies

Rachel KimBASIC

#1 · Mar 18

I’m probably in the minority here, but I actually think people underestimate how much oversharing can sting. My boyfriend and I are in a triad-adjacent situation in Miami, and we learned pretty fast that too much detail can create images in your head that are hard to unsee. Sometimes “I had a nice dinner and we talked a lot” is enough. You don’t owe your partner a full recap of every conversation unless that’s something you both explicitly agreed on. That said, I do think the emotional check matters more than the logistical one. If your wife is asking because she wants reassurance, give her that directly instead of trying to be super factual. Tell her what you appreciated about the date, and tell her what it means for your relationship with her. That usually helps more than listing every detail anyway.

Tyler R.

#2 · Mar 18

Yep, this is such a real issue. My partner and I are in Philly and we had to figure out what information is actually for connection and what is just for anxiety. We landed on “headline, then ask.” So like: who, where, overall vibe, whether anything changed in our plans. But we don’t do play-by-play unless the other person asks for specific details. That keeps it from turning into weird comparison territory. Also, sometimes the guilt is about your own discomfort more than anything your spouse actually needs. If she’s asking because she wants closeness, you can probably give that without every detail. Something like, “It was good, I felt safe, I’m happy to talk more if you want specifics,” goes a long way. I’d just be careful not to vanish into vagueness, because that can feel like walling off.